Coincidentally, she will also be the first White House staffer to be paid entirely in Kohl’s Cash.

That’s right, Pre-Ozempic Paula Deen says she humbly accepts this role, and when asked what she’ll be bringing to the table, she simply responded, “Casserole.” 

Donald Trump chooses NY Rep. Elise Stefanik as incoming U.N. Ambassador. You might not remember her name, but you probably recognize her face from the antisemitism on campus congressional hearings and the overbite “before” photo hanging in your orthodontist’s office. Regardless, this DEI hire can’t wait to slam the door behind her!

Donald Trump chooses former ICE Director and star of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” (2009) Tom Homan as his incoming Border Czar.

When asked about Trump’s controversial family separation policy, Blart, sorry, Homan responded by saying the cause is near and dear to his heart, seeing as his (ex) wife and kids won’t talk to him.

“He’s gonna go wild on health,” Trump said with a wink, talking, of course, to the parasitic worm currently residing in RFK Jr’s head. After learning it was not, in fact, a “Ratatouille type of situation” as he had assumed, Trump thought carefully and has since rescinded his offer.

Trump tasks Elon Musk to lead new department, “Government Efficiency Commission.” Musk was hesitant to accept the position and told reporters he was hoping to wait for the Commission to be further established, at which point he could step in and purchase the government office, attaching his name and taking credit for any previous progress. 

Further, Elon mentioned how his father and grandfather’s ties to the South African government helped them greatly profit off of Apartheid, and said he “can’t wait to continue their Musky legacy.”

Donald Trump named Stephen Miller as his Deputy Chief of Staff for policy. A Trump staffer reported, “he actually wasn’t the first choice, Dr. Evil has retired so we had to settle for the mini me.”

“There’s always something sneaky going on behind that big ass forehead, and I like that.” Said Trump. In response, Miller just grinned.

God, I need a Xanax.

Here are some tried and true phrases to say instead of “I go to Wellesley College”

• I use she/they pronouns

• My brother school is MIT!

• Hillary Clinton went there

• It’s like … a girl Ivy

• I never got off the Barnard waitlist

• I’m bi with a boyfriend

• It’s a sisterhood! (I’m a legacy)

• We’re only 20 minutes outside of Boston

• It’s not a Girls School, it’s a (historically) Women’s College

• No, not Smith or Mount Holyoke, we’re the one that’s actually in civilization 

• Yeah, I had blue hair in middle school

• You know, from Mona Lisa Smile (2003), starring Julia Roberts

Dear Diary,

Today is my first day of college and I am so excited! I already made one new friend during orientation, and she has a job for me! A new cutting edge and pioneering anonymous Twitter-like app is coming to colleges near me. So, this morning, I pulled on my Lululemon leggings and my oversized hoodie. I threw my hair into a messy bun, laced up my Converse, donned my new white and purple bucket hat and signed my first contract with Fizz!

• 9/6/23

No class today so I’m on the clock with Fizz! This morning at 5 a.m. I knocked on everyone’s door in my hall to make sure they knew about this exciting new venture. Most people were a little upset, but I enthusiastically told them that if they scanned this QR code AND made an account, they could win a doughnut and a cool hat like mine. 

• 9/7/23

Jumped on a Zoom call with my cool new boss, Josh! I really enjoyed how he addressed me by name after every sentence. I think he likes me. He says if I recruit 30 of my closest friends to work for me, (yes for me) then he would take me out to dinner! And if that’s too complicated, he also said I could blow him!

• 9/8/23

I am so tired. Apparently our sign up numbers are not high enough. After 8 hours in the hot sun, all Fizz team members are supposed to meet for some sort of ritual tonight at midnight. I think Josh is in a bad mood or something. Hopefully I can cheer him up.

• 9/9/23

All I can remember from last night is getting to Josh’s house before everyone else. A live Fizz feed played on the TV. Except every post was the same. “All Fizz and no play makes Josh a Dull Boy.” From behind me the door creaks open and then my mind goes blank.

*This is an article from the humor section, not real news.*

Within the email, Johnson praises the nonbinary population of Wellesley who “consistently identify as women.” Among other favorites are lesbians who consistently identify as straight and your first-year roommate who consistently identifies as “someone who showers.” 

Johnson came out in direct support of the students “who are committed to Wellesley’s mission.” She even added some real-life examples of brave (female) Wellesley students who were held at gunpoint by a mob of non-binary freaks demanding they (multiple women, not a non-binary) must add the word “historically” when they tell people they go to a women’s college. This was followed by a brief anecdote about the witch hunt against JK Rowling and how much PJ loves Harry Potter. She then ended the email with some reading recommendations for “those angry dykes” including a Breitbart News article entitled “Top 10 Times Christianity Got it Right the First Go Around” and the recently released Matt Walsh documentary film “What is a Woman.”

We would like to assure our Snooze readers, however, that Paula is not doing nothing to ally with our “non-binary sisters” (PJ 2023). While coming out against the ballot measure, the administration has proposed a number of actions to increase inclusivity on campus. First, the college will continue to post pictures of campus’s most blue-haired and liberal theys directly to instagram, our website, and college brochures. The Stone Center will now be offering conversion therapy for any students who wish to remain at Wellesley in spite of recent pronoun changes. The new program advertises “Back to she/they in less than three months. She/her within a year.” Finally, Johnson pledges to clarify during the application process that Wellesley accepts women only and to “miss her with that gay shit.”