Your name!

Now fill in the blank and come be my Valentine.

I want to do corny festivities like candle making and consuming a box of chocolates until we hurl. I want there to be a ginormous teddy bear whom we refer to as Charles McFluff.

I want this experience to feel like a fever dream that never ends … well, until the clock strikes midnight, and I Cinderella myself back to my squeaky twin XL. Then, I shall repeat the annual cycle, finding a new lonely heart to whom I may spread joy.

We could also fuck. I’d be down.

Sincerely,

Honorary Frat Guy, ZA House frequenter

As server issues persist with the Consent Training software, we have been instructed to synthesize the key points of the updated modules. Do not touch someone’s no-no squares! No one wants unwarranted, musty, stanky hands touching their person. Thank you! Further, measures to defend oneself against this act include but are not limited to kicking a man in the crotch (for defense or pleasure, because I don’t judge). With this in mind, get some!

Cordially,

Your Title IX Coordinator

Hello, my ethereal goddesses. I am Brad, humbly known as B-dawg and Special Guy by my mother. I am looking for a special someone to spend as little money as possible on to be my Valentine’s date. If our interests align, find my digits on the front page of The Feminist Mystique (I am an avid reader of feminist literature). I hope to venture out into the unknown and learn how my role as a cisgender white male and my fear of women may hinder my understanding of diverse perspectives. On a typical Sunday, I enjoy going to the cinema to watch rom-coms (American Psycho). And, just maybe, you could accompany me to a picture on the 14th and nestle your head into my well-groomed beard (peach fuzz), as we cherish the meet-cute scenes (extensive gore) and blossoming romance (extensive gore). After analyzing my Letterboxd, @endperi0dcr4mpz6”2btw (Best 4: ‘Barbie,’ ‘Hidden Figures,’ “Little Woman,” ‘Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!’) we can share a dirty shirley (Four Loko Fruit Punch) and ponder the meaning of life. Also, did I forget to mention that I am triple majoring in business, engineering, women and gender studies [Wih-Jist], and minoring in poetry? Ladies, I await your call.

With an abundance of love,

Brad P.P. Barnes III, aspiring Ph.D. (5th year undergrad)

While consulting members of the current student body, there were many positive remarks, the most memorable being, “Huzzah, all men have been abolished,” and “Long live the clit!” When we walk into a public bathroom and get flashed by a flaccid penis, fear not, for it is now considered female genitalia. There will be no masculine energy lingering on campus. The atmosphere will be made fantastical by the presence of loving female same-sex relationships. We will reside in a world where every American is a lesbian and women are no longer oppressed. This will be a very bright and promising reality.

But now, Wellesley College must rally to prepare for the Class of 2030. Over four million babies were born on American soil in 2008, meaning four million domestic females will be eligible to apply to Wellesley College in the following year. Regarding “conception,” 132 million babies have been born worldwide during the most recent year. Seeing that Wellesley currently accepts domestic and international students, 132 million people will be eligible to apply to Wellesley in the upcoming years. Admissions will be buried in applications, sifting through to find the ideal candidates. This may result in an acceptance rate below 0.000001%, making Wellesley College the most selective colligate institution in America. Suck on that, US News.