• Sleep cleanse: 

Ingredients: Adderall, vending machine Monster

Instructions: Crush up your Adderall, separate into lines, snort. Take a knee, chug a Monster. Do this every six hours for two weeks. 

• Poop cleanse: 

Ingredients: Copious amounts of gluten-filled products, no fiber, vibes

Instructions: Hold it in

• Mobility cleanse: 

Ingredients: Servant

Instructions: Lay down, don’t move, beg your roommate to fill your water bottle

• Celibacy cleanse: 

Ingredients: Your hot bod

Instructions: Have tons of hot steamy gay sex*

*it doesn’t count as self-destructive if you’re drunk

• Sobriety cleanse: 

Ingredients: Copious amounts of drugs and alcohol

Instructions: Go on a bender, no holds barred.*

*ibid

• Class cleanse:

Just don’t go.

P.S. It’s BYOSS

Hi Wellesley! My name is Winnifred. I am eight years old and looking for a new nanny. My old one, Helga, slipped away in the middle of the night last week. We’re still trying to figure out how she got out of the restraints. While I enjoyed the constant look of fear in Helga’s eyes, I am looking to broaden my perspective with a nanny from a new, more exotic place (preferably the Upper West Side, Fairfield, or Marin County). I am looking for an even-tempered bisexual with an interest in the occult, who has a car and can drive me to my numerous extracurricular activities. The car must be a model put on the market no later than 2020 and must cost no less than $50,000. I would like my new nanny to have a TikTok following at least 10k and she must be fluent in at least one of the following languages: Mandarin, Spanish, French, Dutch or Esperanto.

Being such a unique child, I have many unique needs. Last year, my father made a large donation to get me into the distinguished scholars program at my unnamed elite private college preparatory elementary school. Thus, I will need a nanny who can complete those assignments on top of making me my afternoon escargot. I have a biweekly standing reservation at Nobu in New York, so my nanny must have an elevated palate and — if possible — a helicopter license to fly me to and from dinner. I participate in a number of sports including (but not limited to) fencing, horseback riding and aerial gymnastics, so my weeknights are very busy. You will be expected to read at least one piece of classic literature to me every week and produce an in-depth summary. That way, in my impending middle school interviews, I can in fact say that I have been reading.

Due to the high level of stress imposed on me by my ambitious parents, I will be prone to verbal abuse and intense tantrums. You will be expected to sit down and take it. When I hit you repeatedly, or in the case of my first nanny — if I happen to light you on fire — it will be your fault. At the end of the day you will receive a firm talking-to about your inability to control me while my parents comfort me through my tears.

You will be expected to work 85 hours per week, and pay will start at $20 an hour. (Note: this is subject to change depending on what legal battle my investment banker father is in that week.) I hope you will consider being my nanny, and if all goes to plan, I will be able to give you a minimum wage job in about 20 years when I get access to my trust fund and become a billionaire.

Sincerely,
Winnifred
(Irish need not apply)

– Sincerely, that dumb bitch in your poli-sci class

Seeing as the bathroom seems to be the root of the issue, Wellesley will be closing all dorm bathrooms for renovation. In the interim, each room will be equipped with a chamberpot for all your bathroom needs. But what about brushing my teeth, you say? Or perhaps, taking a shower? Guys. We’re going back to the 1800s, there’s no place for that. Bathing will be allowed once weekly in the communal bath house (first floor tub). Get ready to draw up your own water and live like your forefathers. Happy bathing stinkies!

“It reminds me of etsy. Carefully crafted items made by only the smallest of artisans! Plus just like Sophia Grace and Rosie, I think it’s important to help children and their careers.”

In the holiday spirit (and part of her binding contract with Temu) she released a holiday gift guide containing idea for the whole family! 

For grandma: she suggests “the rose: golden edition”! I’m sure you’ve all heard about the viral rose vibrator, but Temu offers one for our silver haired shawties. Pop Pop hasn’t been around in a while and grandma’s getting up there. The rose: golden edition is a surefire way for her to go out with a bang!

For your teen daughter: Her brand new car! Not sure how it’ll show up at your doorstep,but probably with a lot of obnoxious orange packaging and packing tape

For mom:

Temu botox, do it yourself! Mom is becoming less milfy by the day, have you seen those crows feet? Time to give her the hint with Temu’s botox. A kit that comes with sterile (?) syringes, the botox itself, and a pack of wet wipes to clean up after. 

(disclaimer, temu is not liable for the health of customers who choose to use this item)

For dad:

Power tools! Help him reclaim his power because your mom is making more than him. Does he want to get all that pent up energy out on a tree? Consider a handheld chainsaw. On a bush? Electric pruning shears! If you just can’t afford to send him to a rage room, consider a sledgehammer! As an add-on choose your favorite from the vast selection of breakable items on the website including: a pot planter ripping a bong, a number of ornate vases, or a hookah. If you don’t want to spend, consider your wedding china, you’re never gonna use that again!

For your new nephew or niece:

A suplome airsoft gun! Teach em early!

Consider this giant sack of shit! Increase the number of poop jokes in your sibling’s household, trust me, they’ll be grateful!

Have fun shopping broke losers! XOXO

Love,

Ellen

Raines: So what is the atmosphere like today on the green?

Goose: Honk honk honk honk honk HONK honk HoNK honk. 

Raines: Wow that is just so great to hear, I’m so pleased that you guys feel like you really may accomplish something. I hear that you have a meeting set up with the board of trustees, can you briefly state for the public your demands, and a little bit about what you hope to accomplish in this meeting.

Goose: Honk honk honk  honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk hiss hiss hiss hiss HISSSSSS hissssss. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk hiss, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk hiss hiss honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Hiss hiss hiss hiss hiss. Hiss hiss. Honk honk hiss honk honk hiss hiss honk. 

We heard some pretty strong language used so it’s clear that these geese are not here to mess around. Wellesley College better duck and hide, because these geese are proven to be dangerous. We interviewed Anna Li, a sophomore here about this subject on the paths yesterday.

Raines: How do you feel about the goose strike?

Anna: I just hope the administration will hear them out, because we can’t have this. The geese are a beloved part of this campus, I once was attacked by one and I can honestly say it was probably the best moment of my Wellesley experience.

This interview was cut short by Anna once again getting attacked by a goose. 

*While our interviews were somewhat short and sweet, we hope that you all will take this matter seriously, as the geese have been known to take hostages before. And get building Wellesley College, these geese want a chateau.