The following evaluation is intended to help the college better understand your educational experience. Your honest and unfiltered feedback is deeply valued. Read the statements below and choose the rating that best reflects your experience in this course.

Not very true for me | Somewhat true for me | Very true for me

Clarity, Responsiveness, and Feedback:

• I found my professor weirdly hot
• I understood they are middle-aged and have a wife and children
• I felt that the instructor would take the time to talk to me if I needed and asked for help
• I abused that fact to get extra face time with them
• They gently recommended I stop dropping by their office hours as much
• I received timely and constructive feedback

Course Engagement:

• I came to class prepared to talk over everyone else
• I was actively engaged in psychological warfare against my peers to ensure I was the instructor’s sole focus during class 

Inclusive Classroom Environment:

• My instructor created an inclusive learning environment where everyone felt welcomed and accepted
• I did everything in my power to disrupt and dismantle this environment
• I felt encouraged by my instructor to continue with my antics, even when they “suggested” I stopped (cus some of my peers were jealous)
• I had opportunities to interact positively with my peers in this course.
• I had no choice but to fight them.

According to some, the pace at which my infatuation our relationship moved was:

• Too slow
• About right
• Too fast

For me, the level of difficulty of following my instructor home was:

• Too easy
• About right
• Too difficult

For me, the attention my instructor gave me the night of April 22 was:

• Too little 
• About right
• Too much

Time Investment:

During the week leading up to that night, I spent:

Approximate hours in their trunk _____

Approximate hours in their yard _____

Approximate hours in their bedroom when they weren’t there _____

Please sign your name below to confirm that the above facts of this written confession are true and that you wish to plead Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity.

X

Initially, students resisted the original ice-water challenge, responding with sentiments along the lines of “I can’t risk tarnishing my digital footprint just before internship season” and “lmao no I would rather kms.” But after a strategic pivot (and a few dozen PowerPoint slides)  the team at USC Mind found a way to make the challenge appealing to all. 

Partnering with your cool friend’s favorite vodka company, the new-and-improved Smirnoff Ice Bucket Challenge was designed to promote “radical self-expression, mental wellness, and mid-tier vodka branding” by challenging students to funnel Smirnoff Ice whilst live streaming to social media. The rules were simple:

1. Fill a five-gallon bucket with Smirnoff Ice
2. Chug.
3. Tag three friends (or nemeses)

What started as a spirited display of student voice quickly spiraled into chaos as participants, most of whom had never consumed more than one room-temperature White Claw, began exhibiting symptoms of alcohol poisoning, intense regret, and being cool as fuck.

“I’m so glad we’re finally talking about mental wellness,” mumbled a sophomore sociology major from a hospital bed. “We as a society really need to…oh…oh god… I’m gonna be si—”

“Honestly, we were overwhelmed at first,” shared Dr. Ice, head of emergency services and yummy flavored drinkies. “Half of them came in for alcohol poisoning, and the other half were just crying while trying to explain late capitalism. No amount of plastic blue harm reduction cups seemed to be helping.” Sales for the company, however, have never been better. “Our brand is all about being bold, brave, and barely FDA-compliant,” said a newly-coked-up Dr. Ice. “This is just the beginning. Wait until you see our next campaign: ‘Snort Your Truth.” It’s gonna be big.”

In other news, a new, safer follow-up trend has begun to appear on the social media of liberal arts students around the country: “Don’t Speak Your Mind,” where students drink warm chamomile tea and quietly journal under a weighted blanket.

Unbeknownst to his family, he has been secretly attending seminary to gain his priesthood for the past 8 years. How did he manage to hide these sessions from Kris? The world may never know. Sources state that a spiritual experience with a half-eaten communion wafer and prayers for emancipation guided him to catholicism, as the only thing that could rescue him from his family was God himself. 

On March 22nd, 2022, social media was flooded with Rob’s Batman-themed 35th birthday celebration, but it was a complete hoax. Early access to AI imaging and hologram technologies allowed the Kardashian family to simulate the birthday Rob would have had— if he hadn’t run to the Vatican for his Kardinal appointment. To the world, this was an ordinary birthday, but to the Catholic Church, this marked the beginning of a higher spiritual journey. 

On April 21st, 2025, Pope Francis’s death sent waves of sorrow across the world, silencing a voice of compassion and unity. While the world mourned for a great leader, Rob Kardashian mourned for the secrecy of his Kardinal Status. He could no longer hide from the public eye, it was time for The Konclave ⓒ. 

In the sea of Krimson ⓒ robes, Kardinal Rob Kardashian joined his peers in the Vatican, beginning the selection process for the new Pope. Historically, any form of photography, recording, or outside contact is strictly forbidden. Complete isolation is key for this process. However, we all know how The Kardashians bend the rules, even those made in the 13th Century. 

For the first time in 750 years, the Conclave will be broadcast globally. Keeping Up With The Kardinals ⓒ is available NOW exclusively on Hulu. For only $13.99/month, ($5 off for charity), you can stream new episodes every Sunday at 10 AM CET (Central European Time) – perfect for a mid-sunday mass break. 

Will the next Pope be a Kardashian? Will Kylie release a Last Rites Lip Kit? Are Psalm, Saint, and True next in line for religious leadership? 

Find out this Sunday on Keeping Up With The Kardinals! 

“I’ve had it!!! Screw all of this! I have a horrendous hand cramp from writing for like a million hours for my interspecies fanfic! Then all these studios rejected the script to turn it into a movie!”

One viewer commented, “I had always assumed that she was studying alongside me while I did my bio hw, but after zooming in on what she was writing, I saw words I was scared to look up.”

Another wrote, “Did anyone else see the nuclear codes she wrote down? Maybe she was also added to a top national secret group chat like that Atlantic journalist?”

After ranting to the camera for a few hours about how demonic aliens control the screen and how “ritualistic sacrifices to the algorithm amount to nothing in a dead mechanized, timeless void”, she commanded viewers to “reckon with the evil lying in us that chooses algorithmic subordination”. At the end of the stream, she stood up to smash the lens with a hammer in Luddite fashion, only to promptly fall because she lost all feeling in her legs from sitting for too long.

Since this event, Wellesley Wellness has decided to run an info session on how to prevent burnout.

In a frantic email sent at 2 am earlier this week, the college administration announced that an AI Chimp named “Blorbo” will take over the classes of all non-tenure track faculty effective immediately. 

Blorbo, a moving, dancing, bonobo chimp on an iPad screen powered by an AI chatbot, has been authorized to cover classes ranging from Organic Chemistry to Critical Interpretation. This groundbreaking innovation is the result of a collaboration between Starbucks, Amazon, and ExxonMobil facilitated by the Wellesley Board of Trustees after a crazy night out. Over the past few months, Blorbo has been undergoing the accreditation process to become a teacher for students under the age of 6, and the college figured that this would be a suitable solution to prevent students from losing credits for classes not in session during the strike. 

Many parents and students have expressed concerns about Blorbo’s qualifications to teach at the collegiate level. These concerns are completely unwarranted. Blorbo has an honorary doctorate in political science from Brigham Young University and is an active, upstanding member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In addition to these air-tight credentials, the chatbot that powers Blorbo has been trained on the writings of horny women sent to Luigi Mangione in prison, so worried parents can rest assured that Blorbo has a strong sense of human emotion and justice. 

This isn’t to say that the introduction of Blorbo into the classroom earlier this week went without any hitches. After regurgitating an Organic Chemistry II lecture ripped straight from YouTube, a student asked Blorbo to explain the difference between the acid and base-catalyzed mechanisms for additions to alpha carbons. Blorbo reportedly “dabbed” and said, “The difference is that one is catalyzed by acid and the other is catapulted by the bass. I want to gently stroke your eyebrows, my Italian prince.”

Despite complaints, the administration announced that they have no plans to remove Blorbo from the classroom, citing the value of having students physically in the classroom. The New England Commission of Higher Education has refused to comment on the situation and instead play Solitaire on their office computers.

Yesterday, at what felt like our millionth weekly bargaining session with WOAW-UAW, the College came to the negotiating table with epic new proposals that represented significant movement on all of the most consequential issues in dispute between the College and WOAW. This was a good-faith effort on the College’s part to move these negotiations to closure—what perfect little angels we are!

In response, the ungrateful little bitch babies union not only outright rejected the very generous packages, it gave us a long-ass document that represented, in their words (not pictures, like we had requested), the bargaining unit’s “priorities.” The College’s team was very disappointed (frowny face emoji) by the union’s response and frustrated that it rejected our meaningful package offers without even patting our heads or kneeling at our feet.

Earlier today, the College offered to move to mediation, that problem-solving thing we saw on Barney. Even though our mommies assured us we were being nice, WOAW-UAW rejected this offer. Instead, the union continues its plans to begin a strike tomorrow. Fake ass hoes.

The College’s highest priority is our status students, and we are committed to preserving the continuity of our academic program because the donations will stop if we don’t. We want to assure you that we are making every effort to ensure campus operations continue as usual. Kinda.

AND! We want to make sure the community understands the generous new proposals the College made yesterday that the union has rejected. In our infinite kindness, we have offered:

• Autographed copies of Hillary Clinton’s Living History: You’re welcome
• A pool party: There will be bouncy slides, tubes, and pool noodles. Pizza will be provided ($5 for guest lecturers) (no bags no bottles) (???PJ@yahoo@wellesley.edu)
• Free, conveniently located housing: tents on Sev Green. Get cozy!
• A Half-Lifetime supply of artisanal, hand-crafted organic gluten-free granola bars: Brain fuel for grading! Yummy!
• Unprecedented increases in compensation: $12 extra for every course taken on in addition to the mandatory five
• Commemorative plaques with the phrase “World’s Best Adjunct”: Can be supplemented with three (3) rolls of little gold star stickers.
• DIY Crafting Kits: Filled with pom-poms, glitter glue, and googly eyes. Perfect for when you need to “decompress” from all that “hard work”
• LinkedIn Connection with Jaula Pohnson: For when you’re looking for a new job (as her lackey).

But even so, our subordinate faculty members have refused to compromise and accept our terms. This makes us very sad because we love being in charge. The union continues to insist on a compensation package that offers an average increase of 54% in the first year of the contract, average per-person raises of $54,000 for those with 10 to 20 years of experience, and average per-person raises of $64,000 for those with more than 20 years of experience. Like, who can even do that kind of math? So unreasonable.

First contracts take on average more than a year to negotiate. The College has been working hard over the past 10 months in good faith to try to negotiate a fair agreement with the union, but they’re meanies, and we’re like, ever so eepy, so…

Thank you to all members of Wellesley (except for the aforementioned fake ass hoes) for your continued dedication to our community and mission. Remember to subscribe and smash that like button for more updates!

To: Wellesley College Community
From: The Class Deans

Re: WOAW-UAW REJECTS MEDIATION——CHOOSES TO STRIKE

Lmao what is going on?

To: Wellesley College Community
From: The Class Deans

Re: Re: WOAW-UAW REJECTS MEDIATION——CHOOSES TO STRIKE

Haha get pranked. We know, we just won’t tell you LOL you should’ve seen the look on ur face.

To: Wellesley College Community
From: Mark from Collins Cafe

Re: Re: Re: WOAW-UAW REJECTS MEDIATION——CHOOSES TO STRIKE

Unsubscribe

Hi, I’m Mickey. Yes, I am one of the trans mice that Donald Trump keeps talking about, and yes, I regret voting for him. If you’re anything like me, you were probably shocked and appalled to hear Trump announce to Congress that, among other examples of wasteful government spending, he plans to cut the “8 million for making mice transgender.”

Apparently, he thinks my own personal maze to explore my gender identity is a part of a million-dollar government project. How could he say something so hateful? First of all, nobody’s making me anything. I was born this way. (Well, actually, I was cloned this way.) And second, my trans identity has no impact on my role in government research: I’m just your run-of-the-wheel transgenic mouse, genetically engineered to help study specific diseases.

This is especially stinging because I voted for him… twice. Before you quickly write me off as just some uninformed MAGA supporter, I want to make it clear that I had good motives each time. Back in 2016, I was living in an Alzheimer’s lab in the North-West Wing, when I noticed the cart that brings our daily allotment of cheese kept coming later and later. Doing my own research revealed that the cart had been delivering to a brand new Alzheimer’s lab, which had just been funded in our Southern Wing. I was scared, not only were these new mice getting cheese that could’ve gone to me, but what if their research outpaced that of my own labs? I thought it was incredibly unfair that these new mice could just come in, take our jobs, and get handed all the credit, while we hardworking mice have been here the whole time. While Trump didn’t mention the new mice problem explicitly, I thought his comments about immigrants were a dog whistle alluding to our situation here in the North-West Wing. 

That being said, in 2020, I voted blue. I thought Trump handled COVID terribly, and I found it abhorrent that he blamed it on a “lab outbreak.” But when this past November rolled around, I was torn. On the one hand, I felt like Trump didn’t follow through on his promises during his first term, but I was so tired of Kamala’s disingenuous schtick about bodily autonomy and “the right to choose.” Yeah, right, what a joke. Everyone knows that whether you have kids/ get cloned again is not up to you or the courts; it’s up to the people with the machines down the hallway…DUH. Also, I just wouldn’t really trust a woman in office. What if she gets her period? Whenever they inject me with extra hormones, I have to be isolated and observed for at least three days –– what would happen if a war breaks out while Madam President is in her sequestered period?? I ultimately chose Trump, but really RFK was my first choice. I liked how he was going down the food chain, eating all of us mice’s natural predators. 

Anyway, so here we are. Trans mice are real, and we are not going anywhere. We are just as much a part of the laboratory community as any other cis transgenic mice. If you’re that concerned with what’s between my legs, just know: it’s my tail.

I. Roll Call (next to endless loop of Subway Surfers)

II. President’s Grand Soliloquy

III.Dance Break!

IV. Group Hug

V. Laser Tag

VI. Impromptu Drag Show

VII. Breakup Updates

VII.Fireworks

Senators in Attendance:

– All the usual suspects

– and ELIZABETH WARREN???

I. Roll Call (next to endless loop of Subway Surfers)

ppl showed up, dk how many, doesn’t matter. But girl with the beanie got the jumpy shoes like 8 times.

II. President’s Grand Soliloquy

eh I tuned out (subway surfers was still on in the background)

III.Dance Break!

I threw it back on the pres.

IV. Group Hug

I touched so many boooobies.

V. Laser Tag

Was a blast u had to be there.

VI. Impromptu Drag Show

Elizabeth Warren performed Clock& Gag torture on me — was super hot!

VII. Breakup Updates

You’ll never believe which roommates were NOT just roommates.

VII. Fireworks

And then everyone exploded!

I, however, knew the night before the first email dropped that this attack on students might be coming. The reason I knew this is that Quartney Quile, the provost of the college, had texted me the plan at 11:44 p.m. the night before. The plan included precise information about email phrasing, affected classes, and Jaula Pohnson’s skincare routine.

This is going to require some explaining.

In a group chat on Sidechat, an anonymous social media app for college students and their meddling administrators who like to be spies, a user, presumably Quile, sent a message that read “I don’t know WTH we are going to do. I didn’t think they’d actually strike. -QQ.” Based on other sign-offs used, I determined the other members of the chat to be individuals on the board of trustees, President Johnson& Johnson, and Registrar(i) sed Registrare. And of course, myself, an esteemed journalist at the college with lots of credibility.

The messages continued coming in flurries throughout the night, ranging from discussion of the Wellesley Organized Academic Workers (WOAW) strike to the Chicken à la King that the Registrar made for dinner that night. It was clear that these administrators were scrambling and just trying to intimidate students and guilt professors. Most of the text messages were sent with the wrong iteration of there/ their/ they’re. I was cautious about accepting the truth of these initial texts, but I knew if we received an email soon detailing a reduction of course credits for classes with striking professors, I’d know that what I was reading was real.

Sure enough, the legitimacy of these top-secret messages was confirmed the next morning. While the exact details of their plans cannot be disclosed for privacy reasons, messaging resumed in the chat after the email was sent to students. One read, “Good job Quartney and your team!! -JP.”

No word on if these administrators were aware of my presence or if they’ve heard of a similar blunder made by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on the platform Signal.