I’m bisexual, and I’m attracted to all genders. Recently, though, I’ve only been open to the possibility of getting romantically involved with one gender. I’m concerned that my preferences now will make me be seen as less of a bisexual. I’m also worried that, knowing me, my preferences will change and I might want to only date another gender. I can’t help but think that might make people question my authenticity because that wasn’t always my preference. On top of all that, I’m not sure if only wanting to be involved with one gender makes me not a bisexual. How do I navigate relationships when I feel less entitled to my sexuality?

Sincerely, 

Concerned about Consistency

Dear Concerned about Consistency,

I hear you! Sexuality can be so confusing and there are so many labels and nuances and micro labels and gah! It can be so scary!

To quote the brilliant Jean Milburn from “Sex Education”, “Sexuality is fluid. Sex doesn’t make us whole. And so, how could you ever be broken?” Preferences are okay. One day, you may find yourself more attracted to blonde hair, and another day you may be very interested in brown hair, or whatever it may be. Lean into that fluidity and accept it. Everyone experiences it to a certain degree and we only make ourselves miserable trying to ignore or control it. I was madly in love with Chris Evans yesterday, but I’m more drawn to Angelina Jolie today. Does that mean I’m wrong? Or that somehow I’m no longer entitled to attraction or love or desire? No! Of course not. It just means I’m human, complete with all the quirks and oddities that come with it. 

Regardless of what word feels the most right to you, labels are simply labels. They are not for you, not really. Labels make some people feel safer, and help them to feel less confused. They help us identify with a greater community, to feel less alone. They do not define us. If a word feels wrong or limiting or stifling, get rid of it! I know that I cycled through at least five or six different labels before settling on one that felt mostly right, but even now I have trouble defining my sexuality to others in brief words. You know yourself, and will continue to learn about your own desires and preferences, and anyone who makes you feel as though you are not entitled to your own sexuality can take a long walk off a short pier in my humble opinion!

Humans are living 100+ years now, and our life spans are increasing every day. You haven’t even gone through a quarter of your life most likely. Don’t stress too much over the nuances in your sexuality, and rather find reason to celebrate them. Anyone, regardless of gender, is lucky to be caught in your sights. Don’t forget that. 

Sincerely, 

Julianna

The pandemic has given me a lot of time to self-reflect, and I recently discovered my interest in kink. I’m having a lot of fun, but I can’t shake the guilt and shame I feel when I think about my kinks a little too hard. It seems like nowadays some aspects of them are accepted — and even celebrated — but then there are some things I’m into (safe, sane and consensual, I promise) that feel derided and mocked. How can I continue exploring this part of me without all the embarrassment?

Sincerely, 

Kinky and Concerned

Dear Kinky and Concerned, 

First, let me say that your concerns are absolutely valid. We unfortunately still live in a society that treats sex as something taboo, to be whispered about only behind closed doors. And that is just vanilla sex! When you get into the more nuanced discussions about kink, it can be exciting and daunting to realize there is just so much out there to explore. 

Second, I want to applaud you. Self-reflection is a challenging and beautiful thing; it is also wholly necessary. We can discover all sorts of fascinating (and sometimes scary) things about ourselves. In this instance, you’ve come to learn more about your feelings and desires regarding intimacy. Feeling pleasure, desire, excitement, ecstasy… all of these things are good. You deserve to feel these things! 

I appreciate you mentioning Safe, Sane and Consensual. These words represent the backbone of the kink community. Consent is a hot topic, and should always be considered. If there is not constant and enthusiastic consent, then there is no consent! However, don’t forget the other two words: safe and sane. Just because someone may consent to a certain act doesn’t mean that it is safe or sane. If someone consents to something that would cause permanent and/or severe harm to themselves or others, that is not a safe or sane thing to consent to, and therefore should not be done. This is true of physical harm, but also of emotional or mental harm. 

Take a look at these kinks you are into and let yourself explore them. This can be with yourself, with others, or simply in fantasy (hello romance novels!). It can take time to unlearn the stigmas around sex and kink placed on us by society, but you are already doing the work! Keep at it and I truly believe you will go on to have a wonderful and fulfilling sex life!

Sincerely, 

Julianna

How do I tell my friend that they need to love themselves before they can love others?

Sincerely, 

Human

Dear Human, 

Now, isn’t this the million-dollar question? It can be so hard to see someone we care for and love let others treat them poorly or think lowly of themselves. I’m sure I’m not the only one still haunted by that line from “Perks of Being a Wallflower,” “We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

When it comes to people with low self-esteem and a lack of self-love, it can be really challenging to believe we are worthy of love, affection, respect, kindness — so much so that we can’t even believe it from those closest to us. However, it is important to hear. So, remind your friend how much you love them, the things you love about them. Remind them that they have so many people who care about them. Stand by them as they make mistakes or walk themselves into situations you know will end badly. Give them a shoulder to cry on, pick them up when they fall and never stop reminding them that they deserve better. We accept the love we think we deserve. So, show them that they deserve the world.

Lastly, remember that you cannot help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves. No matter how often you remind them to love themselves, it is up to them to learn, to grow, to heal. It may be a long and slow process, but it will happen. Be patient and be kind. Always.

Sincerely, 

Julianna

Dear Julianna, 

In “Emily in Paris,” there was this one scene where she tried to have phone sex with her long-distance boyfriend and it went terribly. Kinda freaked me out. I feel very confused on how I am supposed to navigate virtual sex without being awkward. My partner is def not trying to force me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with, I just don’t even know what I could be trying?

Sincerely, 

Scarred from Emily in Paris

Dear Scarred from Emily in Paris, 

I haven’t watched “Emily in Paris,” but there are so many TV shows and movies that depict various forms of virtual sex and intimacy that often leave the audience groaning at the sheer cringe of it all. If you haven’t seen it yet, I would recommend steering clear of the 2012 film, “For a Good Time, Call…” It’s just … no. 

I absolutely understand your fear and hesitation when it comes to virtual sex. Sex and intimacy of any kind are scary! Even when you are in a loving, trusting relationship without the pressures and expectations force-fed to you by society and the media, they are still scary. The first and most important thing to remember is this: consent. Phone sex is not an obligatory thing, and some people just don’t enjoy it. If phone sex is scary or uncomfortable for you, it is okay to just say no. Phone sex, virtual sex and sexting all need consent just like sex in real life does. Phone sex can be really great if you connect with your partner and feel safe enough to be vulnerable, but it is not something you absolutely have to try and enjoy. 

If it is something you are interested in, talk to your partner about it. Try to voice some of your concerns and hesitations, be clear in communicating what you do and don’t want and then see what happens. Watch porn, grab your vibrator or read some erotica beforehand to get you going and take your mind off of that awkwardness you might feel at the start. Get rid of distractions, like having your door unlocked or your window open. Ease into it like you would most other sexual situations. Talk casually, be a little flirty and build it up with foreplay. The best part about phone sex, for most people, is knowing that their partner was thinking about them. As long as you are sharing that with your partner, and vice versa, you’ll most likely have a good time. 

If you do decide to give phone sex a try, check in with your partner afterward. Just as you would discuss a new sex position or kink you introduce into the bedroom with your partner to make sure everyone is on board, do the same with phone sex. Make sure you had a good time, make sure your partner had a good time, talk about what went right and what went wrong, and decide if it’s something you want to do again. Remember, there is no right or wrong answer, and you can always change your mind. 

TV and movies can be really fun, but they also can give us a really inaccurate depiction of relationships and sex. It is absolutely okay to be freaked out by something you see on TV (“Nymphomaniac,” I’m looking at you), but just remember that your sex life is your own. 

Check out the published works of certified sex educator and published author, Gigi Engle, for more information on phone sex, relationships, and intimacy. Or, for a more scientific backing of the novelty aspect in sex (Ooh! New and shiny!), try reading “The novelty exploration bonus and its attentional modulation” by Ruth M Krebs, Björn H Schott, Hartmut Schütze and Emrah Düzel in Neuropsychologia. 

Sincerely,

Julianna

My name is Julianna, and I have the enormous pleasure of introducing the new Wellesley News advice column, Ask Julianna! This column will focus on problems involving relationships, sex and sexuality, body image and self love. Whether you are nervous about having sex for the first time, getting into your first serious relationship, or struggling with body dysmorphia, I will do my best to offer advice to make you feel seen, heard and understood. 

I’m sure some of you may be wondering what exactly makes me qualified to give advice on anything, and you would absolutely be valid in your concerns. Let me share some of my experience and background to assuage those concerns. I have taken dozens of classes, both at Wellesley and elsewhere, focusing on psychology, sexuality, trauma, etc. I have been in therapy for over a decade, been in numerous trauma-focused programs and needed my fair share of advice over the years. I have formed several strong relationships with sex therapists, professional sex workers, relationship-focused therapists, peer educators and so many more that I am able to call on in the event I don’t know something, and who I have learned a tremendous amount from. I have done hundreds of hours of research to placate my own fears and curiosities. I am an active member of the New Jersey and Massachusetts kink scenes, including having attended several informational events about the more niche kink skills. I am pansexual myself and have had a rather turbulent journey to arrive at my own sexuality. All of this provides me with a well of knowledge and resources to do my very best to help you navigate these difficult subjects. 

Something I am extremely passionate about is demystifying taboo subjects. I believe one of the main reasons so many people, especially young women, experience so many negative experiences when first exploring sex and relationships is because no one took the time to talk about it. Subjects of sex, pleasure and bodies are labeled as taboo and therefore glossed over in any discussions regarding the “birds and the bees.” Abstinence is touted as the end-all-be-all of pregnancy prevention, and so adolescents are sent off into the world with raging libidos and no knowledge of what to do with them. This is where I come in! I am not a parent, teacher or professional with a hidden agenda behind my advice. I am a friend, a peer, who has been through it and simply wants to help. 

SO! What does this all mean for you? It means you can submit questions or problems you are experiencing to me, and I will do my very best to offer advice and resources to you so that you feel confident and sexy when facing the world. I will also, periodically, share general advice that debunks common advice given to young adults and women that is just … so wrong (Cosmo, I’m looking at you!). 

If you are scared, confused, turned-on, ashamed or lost, all you have to do is … Ask Julianna!

Ask Julianna questions through a Google Form that will be shared on The Wellesley News Twitter later this week.