“I’ve had it!!! Screw all of this! I have a horrendous hand cramp from writing for like a million hours for my interspecies fanfic! Then all these studios rejected the script to turn it into a movie!”

One viewer commented, “I had always assumed that she was studying alongside me while I did my bio hw, but after zooming in on what she was writing, I saw words I was scared to look up.”

Another wrote, “Did anyone else see the nuclear codes she wrote down? Maybe she was also added to a top national secret group chat like that Atlantic journalist?”

After ranting to the camera for a few hours about how demonic aliens control the screen and how “ritualistic sacrifices to the algorithm amount to nothing in a dead mechanized, timeless void”, she commanded viewers to “reckon with the evil lying in us that chooses algorithmic subordination”. At the end of the stream, she stood up to smash the lens with a hammer in Luddite fashion, only to promptly fall because she lost all feeling in her legs from sitting for too long.

Since this event, Wellesley Wellness has decided to run an info session on how to prevent burnout.

I turn to my co-host and ask, “So how about last night? It got pretty crazy,”

My co-host throws his head back and laughs. I laugh too. I love laughing. 

Then my co-host asks me, “Have you ever thought about what would happen after we die?”

I pause for a moment. All of a sudden I start to feel the hat on my head and the air between my leg hair. 

“I mean kinda? I mean it’s hard to imagine what nothing feels like you know?” I laugh again.

I love to laugh.

“You know it’s nice to finally find someone who I can get in touch with my feelings with,” I remark.

“I’m not touching your feelings” 

“No no, not like that … I meant it’s nice to find someone to connect with.”

“Like networking?”

“Yeah yeah, networking …”

The screen fades to black.

Student: Yeah, so this all started when I decided to room with my situationship sophomore year. That year, my situationship started vibing with this other girl on our hall, and she became our third. Then they each started inviting people to join our polycule, and those people invited more people, and … well, here we are. It’s basically an “expand-your-heart” business model.

TWN: It’s so inspiring that it grew organically!

Student: Right? Also, if a member recruits someone to join, they get to spend a percentage of nights with any member that newbie brings in. Like, more love, more perks.

TWN: Does that create any kind of hierarchy?

Student: Yeah.

TWN: …

Student: We call it a “Love Ladder.” The higher up you are, the more points you get, which unlocks privileges like priority cuddles, choosing the group’s hangout spots and hosting rights.

TWN: So there’s a big incentive for current members to recruit others?

Student: Yes! And if they do, it raises their status within the polycule, kind of like a promotion. The more people you recruit, the more points you accrue. Those points go toward organizing retreats or setting up deep eye-contact workshops with your preferred partners. We’re even going to start having a quarterly Love Summit.

TWN: Wow! So what’s involved in recruitment?

Student: I’m glad you asked! I’d say it’s about a part-time job-level commitment. People generally use their personal connections. It’s really all about knowing people — or knowing people who know people, y’know?

TWN: Sounds pretty intensive! How do you make sure members aren’t being overworked?

Student: Well, we’ve actually gotten a few emails about concerns over emotional labor rights violations, but we don’t really have an HR. Our polycule isn’t interested in that kind of authority; it’s more community-oriented-lateral-leadership. We used to have an e-board but then those e-board members branched off and formed their own spin-off polycule. So now instead, we have a team of “investors.” It just means they’ve reached the highest status level and have, therefore, invested lots of love, time and material goods to the community.

TWN: Amazing! I feel like I’m learning so much already. What do you hope this polycule’s impact on the world will be?

Student: World peace through strategic cuddling with a side of homemade kombucha. We want people to feel seen, loved and inspired to recruit two friends each — just like how love should multiply.

TWN: Beautiful!

The good news is that Wellesley College has been mobilizing efforts to replace the gay penguins with…Greg! 

This diva is one of our many resident geese! At first, many might be hesitant to call Greg gay, seeing as he has not explicitly disclosed his sexual orientation. However, many have noticed that Greg’s previous homoerotic undertones have turned into downright homoerotic OVERtones. 

Just last week, a Wellesley student and her MIT boyfriend’s picnic was interrupted by alarming honks, a few nibbles to the hem of a skirt, and some chomps to the Adam’s apple.

We had a Linguistics major (who is taking their second queer theory class this semester) translate and analyze Greg’s squawking protests for us. They confirmed Greg was trying to communicate something to the effect of “Mama a girl behind you!” 

Who can argue with that?

Greg also took a We Can Guess How Gay You Are Based On The Song You Recently Put On Your Instagram Story Buzzfeed Quiz and passed with flying rainbow colors! Who can deny Greg’s identity when he posted a Rio de Janeiro selfie to “Casual” by Chappell Roan? If you need more proof check out the 20-part TikTok series and Twitter(X) threads compiling evidence, consisting mostly of narration over slowed-down blurry videos. However, there is one HD video with crystal clear audio of Greg making extremely obscene and lewd comments towards the innocent, naive, and charming Babson men walking through campus. A man cross-registered at Wellesley told us, “I didn’t feel comfortable with what he was saying, especially considering dick is at beak level.” 

Greg remains unbothered by the gaggle of adoring fans and petty haters. Instead, he chooses to lounge by the lake near the students reading niche feminist Substacks, refusing to engage in a spectacle that would commodify his sexuality. Later we were approached by Greg’s publicist, who also happens to be our translator’s current situationship, about Greg’s next steps. They are a Media Arts and Sciences major who is also taking a queer theory class this semester. While the publicist remained secretive, they did let us know that there have been plans to launch a new merch line on Etsy featuring slogans like “Honk if You’re Queer” and “This Goose Flocks” where profits will help support Greg’s upcoming book “Fowl Play: Putting Bills in Beaks.”

We received a comment from Greg’s publicist’s ex-situationship –– who made sure to register for a queer theory class next semester instead of this one –– saying they believe Greg is just a queerbaiting opportunist just looking to cash in on parasocial speculation. 

There are also concerns over whether Greg’s edgy persona can market to a wider family-friendly audience. New York gay couple Roy and Silo, who are also dead penguins, were able to secure a children’s book deal, but that may not be in the cards for Greg.

No matter which side you are on, Greg’s story is just beginning. Thanks to an unnamed goose who has been placed two links away from Greg on the L Word chart by scholars of Women and Gender Studies at Wellesley, we now know he plans on auditing a queer theory class next term.