In what health officials are calling “a national health crisis” and “funny af,” over 2,000 students nationwide were hospitalized following the viral launch of the USC “Speak Your Mind” Ice Bucket Challenge. The social media trend, originally meant to raise awareness for a mental health organization, found itself skyrocketing in popularity after rebranding to align with the interests of a previously untapped market: college students.
Initially, students resisted the original ice-water challenge, responding with sentiments along the lines of “I can’t risk tarnishing my digital footprint just before internship season” and “lmao no I would rather kms.” But after a strategic pivot (and a few dozen PowerPoint slides) the team at USC Mind found a way to make the challenge appealing to all.
Partnering with your cool friend’s favorite vodka company, the new-and-improved Smirnoff Ice Bucket Challenge™ was designed to promote “radical self-expression, mental wellness, and mid-tier vodka branding” by challenging students to funnel Smirnoff Ice whilst live streaming to social media. The rules were simple:
- Fill a five-gallon bucket with Smirnoff Ice
- Chug.
- Tag three friends (or nemeses)
What started as a spirited display of student voice quickly spiraled into chaos as participants, most of whom had never consumed more than one room-temperature White Claw, began exhibiting symptoms of alcohol poisoning, intense regret, and being cool as fuck.
“I’m so glad we’re finally talking about mental wellness,” mumbled a sophomore sociology major from a hospital bed. “We as a society really need to…oh…oh god… I’m gonna be si—”
“Honestly, we were overwhelmed at first,” shared Dr. Ice, head of emergency services and yummy flavored drinkies. “Half of them came in for alcohol poisoning, and the other half were just crying while trying to explain late capitalism. No amount of plastic blue harm reduction cups seemed to be helping.” Sales for the company, however, have never been better. “Our brand is all about being bold, brave, and barely FDA-compliant,” said a newly-coked-up Dr. Ice. “This is just the beginning. Wait until you see our next campaign: ‘Snort Your Truth.” It’s gonna be big.”
In other news, a new, safer follow-up trend has begun to appear on the social media of liberal arts students around the country: “Don’t Speak Your Mind,” where students drink warm chamomile tea and quietly journal under a weighted blanket.
